Walking In Faith and Fear

 

I have been facing a combination of spiritual growing pains and delight in serving my beloved Lord, Jesus Christ.  In this time He has continually taught me to trust Him.  It is a lifelong lesson but some of the things I have learned, even today and right this moment, counter what “they say” loudly.

It is a constant need to ignore those who loudly say that if we fear and if we worry our hearts are not His.  LIES people.  He knows our hearts better than we ourselves do.  We are human, we sin, we are forgiven.  Our sins of tomorrow were forgiven on the cross!  His love is beyond our ability to comprehend or to measure.  Now, how the day began . . .

Wick Awaiting Fire

 

I hunger for the sweetness of your voice

In the silence . . .

Seeking direction,

Seeking joy,

I look on and take a clumsy step or two.

I see a robed figure

Surrounded with riches

And she speaks of being alone.

I know that I am not alone.

I see another

On whom the sun shines brightly

Who speaks of a joyless existence

Spanning years.

I don’t know her story.

Remembering the tender hugs

Of yesterday,

I realize her story is not my own.

Still hungry,

I find strength to take another

Small step forward.

I still cannot see you in the near darkness,

But I know you are here.

There is comfort in that.

 

By Martha L Shaw – © 4-22-2013

That being said, in the last 5 years I have been overjoyed in growing closer and closer to Him.  I have been blessed with a passion for a new vocation and my heart leaps within me at every opportunity to serve Him.  Lifelong dreams have been coming true.  Provision, on the other hand, has not come or better stated, not come the way I want it to.

You see, I moved 1000 miles away from familiarity to my dream location.  I love it more with each passing day and have come alive in so many new ways here.  Life, aside from financial worries, seems as close to perfect as I can imagine.  I have some health worries I can’t afford to deal with and the vocation I’m passionate about isn’t a paying proposition from what I can see . . . in money . . . but thus far a hugely paying one in blessings.  The previous career in a field which never blessed me but which I was good at?  Well, this economy has not been kind to.  So there have been a few temporary and low paying part-time jobs.  Fear and trembling come with the monthly bills.  I keep learning more about trust and moving forward with Him.  Provision comes in other ways.

Kitchen mixer died?  Church friend had a lovely one which never came off the pantry shelf and gave it to me.   Desiring to make some scarves but not wanting to spend the hefty price for the special yarns?  A near stranger from an online forum, not knowing my desire, offered to mail me a box filled with yarn she wasn’t using.  It was the very yarn I wanted.  Food running low?  A friend who needed to change her diet cleaned out her well stocked pantry and wondered if I could use . . . coffee maker died? A friend had a spare.  Camera died?  Learned to live without for months before a secret elf slipped one by my car at church one Sunday.  God provides.  Needs are met.  He even provides treats as opposed to needs just to bring a smile to my face and a renewal of my awareness of His love to my heart.

So a few months ago another low paying job came my way.  Unpleasant company . . . abusive managers . . . broken promises . . . few hours . . . low pay . . . robbed by a coworker . . . more and more abuse.  I felt it was of Him that I be there so I smiled in my pain and kept working.  Last week, after several months of this and without earning near enough to pay my bills besides, it seemed He was telling me it was time to leave this place.  It scared me.  I need money, Lord . . . Much prayer and much studying of scripture and much “do you really mean it, Jesus?” I have taken a leap of faith, am embarking on  furthering my opportunities in the vocation which He has given me much passion for and am working on letting Him release me from worry of money, of unknown health issues and “how am I ever going to . . . “  I quit today.  Quit the job.  Quit the abuse taking.  Working on quitting the health concerns.  Came home, ate a bowl of soup and rested with Him.  Know what He said?  “Sing to the Lord a new song.”  So, I shall sing.  My fear isn’t gone, but all those people who tell us that we cannot fear for if we do He will not be near us?  Trust me, they are not telling you the truth.  I am human.  I have fears.  They need not stop me.  He never EVER leaves my side.  So, I walk in faith and fear and know with certainty that He is holding me in the palm of His loving hand.  Amen.